Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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