so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
