Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
