I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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