the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Randomize
