just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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