i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Couch. On fire.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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