Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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