I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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