Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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