my phone needs a breathalizer
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
