Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
