i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I lost the right to judge tonight
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
