I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
