he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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