My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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