i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
