mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
