he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize