So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
