I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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