did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
