I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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