I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
