I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
