Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
