New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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