Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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