You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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