There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
