everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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