There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize