Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize