I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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