even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
