Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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