I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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