**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
