So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
