my phone needs a breathalizer
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
