My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
