I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
