i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
