you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
