u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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