a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
