3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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