is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
