i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
