Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
