new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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