i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
