The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
