Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
where am i from again
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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