Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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