if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize