Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
