I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
