i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize