Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
