I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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