So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
