I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
