i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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